One day when I am with the one, he’ll respect my decisions and advices because together we will be stronger!

Frankly, I’m holding on to what I know of faith by a thin string. My emotions are high again but the tattoo that is inked into my skin on the left side of my hip reminds me that it is faith that I need. Faith is what I am surviving on. Some days it’s so hard that it would be so much easier if I just quit, but my weak soul refuses. It’s as if it knows something I do not know of.

- Backpacking through Europe!
- Visit South Africa
- Pass a legislation
- Plan an entire Wedding
- Go bar hopping in Boston/NYC
- travel along the West Coast
- find the real true beautiful love of my life

I revisited a few old places tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this sad, and it’s a feeling I wish I didn’t experience quite so often. I drove on the road I was so familiar with for 4 years that led me right to the place I used to call home. I felt a small jab to the heart as I saw that For Sale sign perched on the lawn. It was as if time had rewind-ed for a split second to that moment when we first moved in and the sign was there just as the sun was setting too…but this time I wasn’t going to turn into the long drive way and park the car on the side of it, nor was I going to get out of the car and walk the up the back porch to go inside. So many memories were made there…especially lonely ones. I remember taking long bike rides off into the sunset each summer night to wear off my thoughts of sadness. I miss it, even the bus stop I dreaded waking early in the morning to walk to. I don’t miss the sadness, but the hope of better days it planted inside of me. I grew up in that house.

I think if anything tonight I realized I’m ready to move away from this town. It’s getting a little small for this big girl (;

There comes a point they say that we all must leave the nest and discover the world. If we don’t we’ll never know what is out there and our full potential and capabilities. In my case, I feel I’m coming upon this fork in my life. Do I stay with the route that I am comfortable with or do I venture off into the unknown and hope that I make it out alive? Frankly, I feel the walls closing in on me more and more with no windows of opportunities. I want to take off and fly on my own but in my culture it would be considered selfish. It is selfish that I would want to be independent. I appreciate the things my family do for me, but I think that it’ll soon be time for me to take a different path than the one they have planned for me. I don’t want to wait until I am married to live in a different house. I don’t want to wait for a man in order to see the world.

Truth is, I don’t like to think as much as people think I do. If it was possible I’d rather already know. That’s not to say I don’t think. I think all the time. I think of the big picture all the way down to the small details. Sometimes things makes sense to me, other times I’m just left to guess what it is they mean to me. What something means to me may not be the same for someone else, I’ve learned. Everyone has different lenses. I’ve always wondered if we all think and see differently, then does that mean we can all be right or are we just wrong about things? Why is it so hard to try to see a situation the way another person sees it? I refuse to believe it’s all pride. Pride would not even allow the thought of possibly being wrong. (See that I’m writing down my thoughts, even after having just said that I don’t like to think?…yeah.)
My philosophy is be open-minded. It will never be easy, but when you can conquer it, it will set you free. I consider myself in the process of learning to comprehend it completely. It’s not an easy skill you see. Look at it this way, the world is not black and white it’s filled with colors of the rainbow spectrum. Some will appeal to our eyes and the others we’ll just shut our eyes off to. This is when it’s important to remember that it takes all the colors of the rainbow in order for it to be complete. But because it is so complex we to have to be patient in conquering this skill for it to be cohesive, otherwise we’ll just be left with raindrops.

Today I was looking through some of my cousins’ photos and realized how much we’ve changed and how far we’ve gotten away from each other (and I don’t mean physically.) Everyone’s grown up and living their own lives, taking care of their family, going to school, moving from one house to another, and sundry. The conversations are shorter now when we see each other. We carry on with our own business after a quick “how are you?”, I don’t even know if it’s sincere anymore. I miss them, I miss the old days. I wish one day we can just sit down and chit-chat as if we’ve never separated, have sleep overs and tell ghost stories until the early mornings, take long walks around the neighborhood, and cook meals together. I apologize on my behalf for not fighting hard enough to stay in your lives

…sometimes you don’t realize how far we’ve gone away from the person you used to know until you see someone else who you’re reminded of your childhood and you’re forced to ask ourselves, “Who am I now?”

I want to find true love one day.
I want the kind of love that leaves you breathless;
the kind of love that ensures security;
the kind of love that holds on through all problems;
the kind of love that inspires you;
the kind of love that give you safety;
the kind of love that reminds you are were made for someone;
the kind of love that frees your soul;
the kind of love that shows that all things are possible;
the kind of love that will always be there, no matter what time of the day;
the kind of love that is real;
the kind of love that sees beauty from the inside;
the kind of love that forgives;
the kind of love that is kind;
the kind of love that grows;
the kind of love that moves;
the kind of love that nurtures;
the kind of love that hopes;
the kind of love that has faith;
the kind of love that knows;
the kind of love that is shared only by two people.

I want that kind of love.

What do superheroes teach us? They’re the conviction inside each one of us that makes us choose if we want to be the good person or the bad person. It’s the voice that quietly asks “Who am I?” Why must I do this?”. Sometimes we answer the questions and other times we push them away and never change. But then once every while there comes a time where we have to be brave and make decisions that may go against our mind or heart’s desire and be selfless, simply because it’s the right thing to do. It’s hard, that’s why the people who fight the right battles are acclaimed Heroes. We’re all heroes, but sometimes we get tired and we let the bad guy inside of us win.